What?!

June 12th 2012, I was working at a church as a full time youth pastor.  I was at home in the evening, it was a Tuesday. I get a phone call from a parent.... one of my college kids took their own life. Kyle a senior in college who had been struggling with depression and paranoia.

He had been in therapy, he was even coming to church each week seeking prayer and counsel, mom and dad were in his life trying to help him every way they could.  A girl friend who was amazing and supportive.   He had been a volunteer in my middle school ministry the summer before and had been attending youth group sense he was a sophomore in high school.  

Here you had a young man in duress with loved ones around him.  He was actively seeking prayer, counsel and help and in the end he still took his own life. 

This makes any Christ believing man or woman or anyone for that matter scratch their head and ask themselves and God:What?!

Before I go further let me say that I knew he was saved, I led him to Christ at an alter call in youth group and baptized him just a year before.  On top of that while seeking prayer he was asked by a loving member two weeks prior to his death, "do you know Christ as your personal savior?" he responded, "yes I do"

Again:What?!

How can I not think; if a person like Klyle was seeking God, claimed he knew God was seeking counsel then how come he took his own life?

I dont have an answer, I dont know if I ever will in this life.

All I know is Kyles death is not the only thing that makes my say; What?!  In my faith and outside my faith there are lots of things I do not know, there will always be things that make me say, what?!

Another aspect of my faith I do not understand, why would an innocent man go through torture and suffer a long slow death on a cross?

What?!

I wish I could end this post with some deep thought that wraps everything up nice and clean.  I cant, all I know is that God loves his people, he sent his son as one of us to be killed so we would not have to offer sacrifice after sacrifice to be clean so that we would not have to worry about spending an eternity in hell. We can ask these hard questions and know that just because we have questions it does not mean we do not have faith.